It’s been almost four months since I started talking to this one.
It wasn’t until three weeks ago that we actually met in person.
I saw her again today.
On paper, she’s everything I like. She’s hilarious, we have the same humour, she’s cute, she just got a job as an Ethics of AI research assistant, she’s cultured and knows a lot about beers.
I just don’t know what the disconnect is…. I don’t know to what degree I’m attracted to her…
This is the problem for me when it comes to meeting someone online. I absolutely hate the predisposition towards dating.
It’s the same as meeting and getting the number of this other girl from the queer tech conference last week. It finally hit me after that that… damn, i got game. It’s fairly fucking obvious in hindsight (like I’m just fucking stupid for not realizing it), but I’m not afraid to make moves.
But the problem thereafter is my dumb dumb brain.
After making a move, getting her number, making out with her at the club later on…. I was so disgusted… mostly at myself. And when she followed up a few days after, I was so repulsed that she was interested.
It’s like when people express interest, and they didn’t give me time to grow it (/first), I immediately lose interest.
WHY AM I LIKE THIS DOT JPEG.
To be fair, the second girl, I later found out, was five years younger. And the circumstances that night weren’t in her favour – I bumped into A that night… Well, technically she bumped into me. Multiple times.
Then she bumped her girl into my bud, J. Multiple times.
To the point where J got extremely irritated, grabbed me by the wrist, and pulled me away from them. I’d never seen her that mad before. J told me after that it was clearly deliberate on A’s part, to dance her girl into J, in a very passive aggressive manner.
It was so disappointing to see this childish side of A. Why can’t she just leave me with a good memory of her?
I was so inebriated that night. Had I been more sober, I would’ve caught on to what was going on without having to consult J. But thank god J was there to validate the NONSENSE that unfolded.
But all in all, it was such a solid night. I’m excited for the summer when more of this will happen.
Anyways, I digress. I’m just trying to post an overdue update. I’d originally wanted to post about that night. And how seeing A threw me off. At the same time, her pettiness is helping me get over her. In the meantime, I’m going to try to play this thing with tinder girl out, henceforth known as H. Perhaps I’ll allow myself go into more detail in the next post.
I walk a shakey path that requires me to be self-aware about my habits. The future of my career is unstable and unclear and really depends on how hard I work / how much I accomplish this year. I’ve been falling off hard and not being as productive as I’d like these past two days.
Here’s a dangerous domino pattern that I don’t like to talk about but repeat way too often:
I’ve been getting intense food cravings and been feeling very introverted/self-reflective over the past half a week. In hindsight, all signs obviously scream “YOUR PERIOD IS AROUND THE CORNER”. I know this about my body. But in the moment and up until I actually get my period, it’s confusing and it feels like my body is betraying me. Compounding to that, now that I am no longer bound to an 8:30am start-time, my sleep schedule’s been inevitably fucked up. I went out on Saturday night later than I’d wanted, and woke up the next day an hour ahead (with daylight savings) at noon. In a desperate attempt to fix this, I’ve been setting my alarm earlier – despite not being able to fall asleep til around 2am.
The cumulative result? A sleep-deprived, cravings-prone me with a loose schedule, and lower inhibitions/willpower. And so I’m unable to focus on studying. I buy and over-eat junk-food.
I feel shitty.
I get nothing done.
Repeat until I feel so shitty that I force myself to reset, obliterating any fitness progress I may or may not have made.
I can feel myself falling into these shitty habits, as they happen. It’s the most pathetic feeling – loss of self-control. And there’s an overwhelming and debilitating sense of shame that lingers for days after.
It’s not new – this developed when I started living on campus – so it’s been six or seven years.
But I need to face this problem head on. Let’s fix this.
First step: write this out, as embarrassing and shameful as it is.
Second: What’s the problem? What’s the source? According to my period tracking app, I’m close to menstruating – which would explain the cravings and dreary emotions. But I won’t just blame my biology and let myself fall into these habits. It’s also the shitty sleep routines – I bring my phone to bed and next thing I know, I’m an hour behind on sleep and deep into a YouTube rabbit hole. Not to mention the actual quality of sleep is detracted from. So here are some hard rules moving forward. Stress releases cortisol, answered biologically by cravings for high-calorie food. Aka triggering snacking and binge-eating when encountering a tougher work/study problem that requires higher mental functioning capacity. It’s hard to fight this when I’m at home, but my options are artificially restricted when I study outside where there are more barriers to accessing shitty food.
Third: Let’s impose some simple, but hard, rules.
1.) Don’t charge my phone by my bedside.
2.) Only books in bed.
3.) No sleeping past 1am on weekdays.
Wake up at 8am on weekdays. Let yourself sleep in if you work later than 1am – but go for a 2km walk around the neighbourhood first thing in the morning.
4.) Sunday evenings are for mealprep. This gives you a healthy real meal to keep you going through the week.
5.) Try to go out to work every day. Whether at a coffee shop or at the library or at the university. You focus better and are less prone to mindless snacking.
Granted, I’m just a little over a week into unemployment. Yet it’s so important for me to be highly self-aware so I can walk with confidence forward. It’s a long journey ahead and I need steady feet.
You didn’t get that Discipline tattoo for nothing.
My friend CF came back from Alberta this week and I had a chance to catch up with him. He’s one of the first five people I came out to so there were updates worth sharing.
He told me about how he’d met his current bf through a kink website. He’s very open about his affection for kink and I love him for it.
Of course I updated him on my most recent experience with a non-monogamous person, wrapping up my story with how I found it (non-monogamy) so prevalent in the queer community, particularly amongst men.
He then told me his bf is in a common law relationship with another man and the three of them are polyamorous. Also, he was staying at his ex-bf’s place, and they’ve already had sex a few times since he’s been back.
I’m happy for CF. I really am. I’m also trying to put into perspective how I’d feel about it if I were in his shoes. And I really can’t.
This non-conventional life is so unstructured and tiring. It’s tiring rebuilding a structure/building a new structure. Once you take out the groom on top of the wedding cake, you inevitably ask, “what else can I modify?”. Kids can be removed. Marriage. Monogamy. Certain rules. Who knows what else?
In other news, it was my first week of unemployment and I’ve been feeling very tired recently. I went on a first date with someone I’d been chatting with for three months (… We tried meeting up before, it just fell through all three times). I’m not sure how I feel about her. She’s funny, she’s cute, she’s smart as fuck. I just don’t know about romantic chemistry.
Maybe I’m just still hung up on the previous girl. Maybe I’m getting my period soon. I did down half a tub of ice cream this morning so that’s more than likely.
I’ve had a headache for the past two weeks. I never get headaches.
So obviously I wonder if it’s a tumour.
It’s a numbing, all-round-the-head headache. It hasn’t stopped since two Mondays ago and it got to the point where I went for a walk-in doctor last Wednesday. She prescribed a strong anti-inflammatory and sent me on my way. “If it doesn’t work after a couple of days. come back, cuz it’s not inflamed.”
It’s been five days.
But today was slightly better.
I mean, I still haven’t gotten a proper diagnosis from my family doctor – I’ll do that next week when I’m unemployed and free to do whatever – but it’s put me in a pretty low mood these past couple of weeks. Inevitably (to me, an overthinker), the following thoughts have passed through my mind:
“Man I JUST quit my job to LIVE. This timing is bullshit”
“25 is too young”
“Have I lived a satisfactory life? Would I be okay with dying?”
“I feel like I’ve done a lot. And I think the world would be in good hands.”
“It’d be a shame. I feel like we’re on the cusp of something. It’d be a shame not to see things unfold.”
Irrational jumped-to-conclusions thoughts aside…
I really need to start eating healthier and taking care of my body. Doc said no coffee (I’ve already broken this 3/5 days, albeit Tim’s and not the regular strong Nespresso stuff) so that obviously crosses out alcohol. I can see alcohol really fucking with my brain (and sleep), so I’ve stayed clear from going out.
I really need to cook healthier too. I’ve gained a bit of weight since pulling a muscle a few weeks ago. That’s prevented me from doing my usual sports and running outside. After 45 mins on the stationary bike, I cooked up a bomb ass vegetable curry using turmeric (ANTI-CANCEROUS) and nibbled on dried goji berries (ANTI-CANCEROUS) for dessert.
Let’s make this Discipline tattoo mean something.
Oh right, I got my first tattoo last Tuesday to commemorate this point in my life. That should’ve been subject of this post. Guess that’s for the next post.
I gave my three weeks notice last Friday.
God I feel so liberated. The old boss was absolutely terrible and abusive. If I were any less self-confident, I would’ve internalized everything she’s said. She’s fucking psycho. She’s demeaning, rude, inconsiderate, and makes personal attacks. There’s no room for growth with her.
So I’m excited (but terrified) to start this new chapter. The end goal is to find a job as a data analyst in an urban-oriented company. This time (as opposed to 2016), there’s no going backwards into a solely-urban planning company.
The long term goal is to bridge big data and urban planning/city-building, but first I need to hone my coding skills, build a portfolio, and network. That’ll take time.
In the meantime, I’m going to do what I’ve always wanted to do: I’m going to learn to become a bike mechanic.
I mean, I’m already gay, I might as well be a bike mechanic.
It’s only been three weeks with the new boss and already I’m seriously considering quitting. I’ve been on a glow-up these past couple of weeks and this really puts a wrinkle in things.
The idea of being unemployed again, a la 2016 is certainly very tempting…
I calculated that I’d spent roughly $16,000 that year, including rent and all. So I could easily do it again from where I am right now.
I don’t want to do market studies. I fucking hate them. I’m more interested in urban planning… Looking ahead to where my shit boss is at, as head of market studies, all her knowledge comes from knowing what has happened in the past. It’s not forward-looking at all – it’s not visionary. Just because something happened in the past doesn’t mean it’s bound to happen again. Planning is about the future. Her skills aren’t really transferrable. If anything, dilligence in looking at data is all that can be taken away.
As an aside, the pain/tension in my upper back has returned. It’s been gone for the last little while and I strongly suspect it’s the stress from working under this new boss. If I do quit, I’d better milk all my physio benefits while I can.
I don’t know how realistic it is for me to retry pursuing a career in big data.
Anyway, I’ve been talking to a few people and they’re feeling the same kind of “stuck” as I am. It’s somewhat comforting to know this.
It was a great weekend with the planners on our second annual ski/board getaway, but this has been on the back of my mind. I’ve needed to get away from work/the city.
I don’t know. I guess the point of this post is probably a premonition that something big is going to change in the next little while in my life. Most likely career-wise.
I’m getting back on my networking game and being more cognisant of that. I’m meeting a planner I’d met at a Civic Tech event a while ago. We’ll be chatting and brainstorming things together. Also I think she’s queer? That’s always a plus. No romantic interest here though.
We all have different “types”, obviously. But it never truly hit me until recently how strikingly different our types can be.
Seeing my brother shrug with a sheer and honest plain-ness on my brother’s face when I showed him a picture of her initially blew my mind. I was honestly flabberghasted that he didn’t think she was attractive… but I came to conclude that he was heavily biased. As my brother, he already resented her for the effect she was having on me (e.g. me coming off distracted and down in the past few family gatherings).
“You can do better”.
I shook him off for not even knowing her.
It was eye-opening when another one of my friends didn’t find her attractive. JC told me her “edginess” (e.g. tattoos, red hair, and spacers) was not appealing. Interestingly, for her, it signaled instability and resistance to commitment. In my experience with people… she wasn’t wrong.
F felt the same in that she did not find her attractive at all. Though, F is not into SJW-types.
Last night, I was out with B at a bar and this came up. Curious, I asked her what she thought of her. She didn’t find her attractive, rating her a solid 7 out of 10 (before bumping it down to 6.5 – harsh). I was this meme. I found her objectively attractive – but B rated her “6.5 across the board, regardless of type”.
I had to pick myself back up from that one.
After almost a week without talking to her – not necessarily deliberately, I just simply was not compelled to expend energy on her, particularly with work taking up so much concentration – I received a text.
Hey I know we said we’d take a break from seeing each other and come back. But I’ve been thinking about t and I do like you as a person and as a friend but I don’t think the relationship we were pursuing is right for me. I really value and enjoyed all the time we spent together but I don’t think we should date. Hopefully you understand.
I was a little taken aback. Not by the fact that she wanted to end it, but by the fact that she didn’t think it had already ended. I had already begun walking away after she sent that last message, calling for a break. It showed me her true colours – and that drove me away. Her unwillingness to try was very unattractive.
I told her I was on the same page. And, taking the high road, thanked her for taking the initiative to bring it up. I said I’d be okay with just staying friends.
I don’t regret the shit we went through because I learned a lot about myself, primarily the fact that I have needs. I had been neglecting this, but many thanks to my friends, I will need to be highly cognizant of this moving forward.
Per the last post, I’m going to glow the fuck up in 2018. Don’t waste my time. Be present, or be gone.
Of note, speaking with my gay male friend, Royce, he’s brought up a very interesting take on ending relationships: It’s important to tell the difference between heartbreak, and when your ego is hurt. He explained, saying that heartbreak means you were in love with the person, which takes time to build depth and breadth. Short term relationships that have ended, which may have inflicted hurt, are not heartbreaks – they are hits to the ego.
Reflecting on this experience, I feel like he’s right in differentiating between the two – while I was close to saying I loved her and that the pain was heartbreak… it truly wasn’t. It was my ego that was hurt. But more so, it was just disappointment that this person was not the shape I had envisioned, and we would not fit.
Another quote: “the real person comes out after a relationship”.
Self explanatory. She was petty when I sent her a meme today (as part of a mass-send). In doing a 2017 year in review with my friends, I asked her how her 2017 was. She said it’s been amazing and sets a high bar for 2018. She also added that “it’s been great so far and I feel very happy”.
Given that she sent the text to officially end us just yesterday and not seeing me since 2017…. that’s hella petty and unnecessary.
Don’t waste my time with your bad vibes. I’m good.
After being told that communication is the key to successful (poly) relationships, I bit the bullet and voiced my needs to her. All I wanted was for her to try harder.
Within minutes, she responded, calling for a break.
She did not even try with a response. She’d been waiting this entire time – these past few weeks – to call it quits with me. She could’ve done this so much earlier, but instead, she decided to wait til I snapped and couldn’t take the hurt and neglect anymore. She did not even ask if I wanted a break.
But the strange thing is it didn’t hurt as much as I had anticipated. It barely scathed my skin. It brought out a side of her that was there all along – a selfish side that I made excuses for.
I gave her so much.
She was selfish in wanting to get as much as she could from me, and giving as little back as possible. I don’t need material goods, but if you’re going to spend time with me, you’d better be fucking present. I hold nothing on a higher pedestal than I do with time; we have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Two-thirds of that go to work and sleep. What little remaining time you have, you’d better make damn sure it’s being spent worthwhile with the right people.
I left my family early that night to be with her. She was barely there. She was not present, she was tired.
Do not fucking waste my time.
I could be spending it on other people.
The day after, I noticed later that morning that I hadn’t thought about her – I anticipated mourning the loss of this person from my life (despite her calling for a break, implying temporariness). I anticipated a shadow with weight looming above me for the following weeks. But if anything, I felt like a weight had been lifted from me.
I felt like I could focus on things I wanted to focus on. I felt like I could accomplish things now.
I updated my friends:
I’m going to glow the fuck up. She wasted my time – not all of it, but definitely at least two weeks.
I’m going to get fit as fuck; I’m going to learn new skills; and, I’m going to build community.
I’m motivated. I’m back.
I don’t want to see other people. But I know I need to.
It doesn’t mean I have to stop seeing her. It just means I can see other people. If she wants to be “consensually non-monogamous”, then that’s the perfect opportunity for me to try it out too.
Not only that, but I’m driving myself up the wall when I’m waiting for her to text back and she’s actually on a date with someone else.
I overthink a lot of things. I think about her a lot. It’s a recipe for an anxious disaster.
I’m not too sure why I’m overthinking it now. I didn’t overthink it when she told me she was leaving for Vancouver eventually. That would’ve thrown me off the second I heard it, and initiated a “detach!” response, that’s always waiting just under the surface.
I’d found solace in S and her words of comfort. After hearing about this several times, she put her foot down and said “I’m hearing a lot about what she wants. But nothing about what you need. What do you need?”
She’s completely right. I’ve been giving myself to her and addressing her wants. Bending over backwards to meet her desires, because it made me happy – so happy – to see her happy. I’ve been on the pursuit of her happiness. And I’ve been neglecting myself in the process.
It’s not her fault. It makes me happy to give. But I guess I’m realizing it’s not healthy that I’ve been neglecting myself and turning a blind eye to my own needs.
She spent New Year’s Eve with the other girl. It was a kick in the stomach to find out, but I guess I didn’t have any solid plans until the last minute.
But that’s the nature of a non-monogamous relationship huh? Everything is up for grabs and gone in a second. Unless if we talk about a structure. But she’s terrible at communicating. As bad as I am at it, she absolutely avoids hard conversations. But she’s the one who wants to be non-mono. She’s making it really hard for me and for the sustainability of this relationship.
I just don’t know how to voice how I feel.
Maybe sometime this weekend we’ll talk about it. I just gotta figure out what I want before then.