Archive | July 2015

My heart broke a few times tonight.

I met up with someone for dinner at a sweet vegan place out west. She came out to me back in May as bisexual. I think she gave me that little push to be honest with myself. Not to mention we made out, even if I had blacked out and didn’t remember.

I got there first, and the waitress asked if I wanted anything to drink. She was attractive, in a dark way – not exactly perky, but she had a sort of dry, sarcastic humour to her. She also looked familiar. I said water was fine for now.

My friend, Four, finally came – we’d been trying to meet up since I’d drunkenly came out to her last Friday, to talk about what happened… and what will happen here on out.

We bantered around, pushing jokes here and there, and got to know each other much better – I’d only met her through a mutual friend last October by pure serendipity. It was a good time, and the food was most excellent. Mac ‘n’ unCheese game strong here.

Then I blurted out the beginning of a sentence that was the start of something I’d been wanting to ask her advice for. But I couldn’t finish the sentence. I immediately retreated, cast my eyes down at my food, and stabbed at the macaroni with my fork. She prompted me. I hesitated. I tried. She misread me and asked “do you want to talk about last Friday?”. It wasn’t what I was going for, but it was a way out so I took it. But not exactly. I umm’d. She said “do you want me to go first?”. I nodded.

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“I kinda guessed”

Four people know.

The past two times involved alcohol – I (felt that I) needed that extra boost of courage and skimped inhibition.

I’m not sure if I am pleased, surprised, or disappointed that both of them iterated versions of “I kinda guessed”. Last night’s was a more confident “I knew it from when I first met you”, versus the previous one’s “I’ve suspected for a few years” (I’ve only known her for three…).

Both times, it was stuck in my throat for a good 5 minutes – my gaping mouth pumping for words to come out, side tracking and rerouting the story – but with the first one, she did know where i was going. When she saw me struggling, she offered “just know that I’m totally open minded here and that I’ll support you no matter what. We’re friends”. After I finally said it, she told me stories of her own childhood friend who came out and caught her totally by surprise (he’s a stereotypical gay boy, I don’t know how she missed it). As someone who had just come out, I really appreciated that she did that, that she took the reigns and led with her own stories – it was nice to listen to but more importantly, gave me time to recover from my jump. I asked her how she knew what I was trying to tell her and she said it was because I kept talking about this girl throughout the night. I don’t recall her exact words when I asked her how she knew (aka just the most important detail) but it was something along the lines of “my gaydar is good”. I didn’t prod further because a part of me was scared. “If you ask me, everyone’s a little bisexual“.

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