I wasn’t sure where I was at with the number of people I’d come out to. (It’s a strange thing to keep track of – is this normal?) Let me explain.
I was at the inaugural Wayhome Music Festival last weekend. It was my first-ever multi-day music festival and I partly made that decision as a result of a “YOLO pact”* I’d made with someone. It so happened that I went to the festival with this person and several of our friends.
At one point, it was him and I. He’s a 23-year old black guy who’s super into Kendrick Lamar, Run the Jewels, rap in general… and he smoked weed for the first time at the festival. He got hooked quickly and smoked quite a bit. At one point, we were alone, walking to a set on the other side of the festival grounds – we’d smoked and drank a little and were feeling a little out of it. We were chatting… and without letting myself dwindle on the thought of it for too long (cuz I knew I’d pussy out), I blurted out that I had gone on a Tinder date the night before.
“Cool,” he prompted me to continue. I said we went to go see a free concert. Followed by silence, I added “… it was a girl.” He seemed slightly surprised, and stumbled with his words. Thing was, i wasn’t sure if this was because my sexuality was a real shock, or if he was high. I believed it to be a combination of both, but because we didn’t talk about it after, my suspicions inched towards him not remembering.
We didn’t talk about it for a week, until cottage camping this weekend. As the 20 or so of us temporarily broke into conversation clusters and I found myself with him and someone else who commented on how she really wants to set me up with someone. When she eventually exited the conversation, I spoke softly to him: “Hey… do you remember what I told you at Wayhome?” He looked at me for a solid few seconds and nodded.
I wasn’t sure if I was relieved (to not have to come out again), confused (that there was no follow up conversation), or … I don’t know how to feel. We talked briefly about the Tinder date person who hasn’t stopped messaging me… The attention and romantic interest from her is nice… but I feel absolutely no attraction to this person and do not want to lead them on. I don’t see myself as being friends with her either. But anyway, that’s another tale.
I’d wanted to come out to the roadtrippers I was with. The three others in the car I was in going up to the cottage are fairly liberal minded people with friends of LGBT identity… but I just couldn’t find a good time. That’s the hardest part about coming out – the question of is there such a thing as “a right time” to come out?
From #5 and how it worked out, it would seem like as long as you’re not in the middle of escaping a forest fire, it’s not a bad time to come out. Maybe I shouldn’t be looking for the right time to come out – maybe it should just be when it’s not a bad time?
We’ll see how the next one unfolds.
* – long story short, we had a long chat about how as introverts, we had been inhibiting ourselves far too much and our paralysis from indecision was taking away from us engaging in opportunities to experience life. We decided to “just do it” more and seize life moments as the came with minimal contemplation. Wayhome was a fucking fantastic start.