Sixteen & Seventeen
I was at a networking party this week where alcohol was flowing at an open bar. Things got messy quickly and Sixteen came into existence. By the end of the night, I had spilled out far more than I wanted… Memories got progressively fragmented (someone please tell me how I managed to bike home) and I recall telling people more than I should’ve.
We got to talking about my type (we must’ve cuz I recall Fifteen saying “… like [she who got away] but with money”, and when this memory flitted into my consciousness randomly the next day, I almost yelled aloud “BOY DID HE HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH THAT ONE” in a very quiet office). And soonafter, this must’ve been when I let it slip that I had a thing for our WASPy mutual friend… which I had completely suppressed until I suddenly recalled Sixteen saying “yeah she’s into redheads”. I don’t want to say that I regret telling them, but… Let’s just say that I thought I was done with secrets after coming out.
I had way too much to drink that night.
By comparison, when I was sober today, “the right time” was a lot harder to pin down. I knew exactly who I needed to come out to. But after 5 hours of staying mum, I eventually huffed, got up, and said “okay come over” and pulled her aside. We chatted after I told her, and it didn’t seem like a long time, but according to another friend, we were there for a while.
When I left to chat with someone else, the small group that I had told huddled (I mentioned to Seventeen who else knew at this point) and saw conniving glances and smiles. I went over. “We’re going to Crews and Tangos“, they said as-a-matter-of-fact-ly.
I noticed the divisive effect I’ve imposed on my friend group. I’ve kept some in the dark (not intentionally, per se), and of those who know, they were talking amongst themselves (with good intentions, e.g. Crews and Tangos night) but I hate that I have this power. Those whom I’ve told are holding my trust above all others and are completely respecting me by not telling others. I don’t know what to make of this situation.
My friends are great. I’m excited/nervous/terrified for when we plan it out and go.