Gay Phantom Limb

For 23 years, I had held onto a secret. As I describe to straight people – it feels like having your fist clenched for 23 years and finally unclenching them. It feels weird.

But it still feels like I have a secret from the world. Like when you suddenly remember “did I pay this month’s credit card bills?”, I caught myself wondering today, “do I have any secrets”? Which is probably not normal.

It felt like there was a void where I usually carry my closeted self, like I had to check up on my void. I basically had to check myself. It feels like I’m still hiding something from people, except I don’t know what.

I’ve never heard anybody mention this before – am I making it up?

Edit: I re-read this post and I suspect it might be because I’m selectively out to my closest circle and not to my workplace or family. So technically, I’m still clenching onto something – just less of the time. Let’s checkpoint this and re-visit it when I’m 100% out.


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