I haven’t found myself yet

I had a strange realization today. I had an aching feeling that I hadn’t found myself yet.

I’ve traveled but I’ve never lived in another city. “Getting up and going” is something people in their 20s are supposed to do, before the mortgages and children kick in, and I’ve done my fair share of travelling, but aside from New York, I feel like I’ve been travelling in a closet! I’ve experienced local cultures, fine-grained urbanism, and various nightlife, but in Berlin, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Chicago, I was basically lugging around a closet.

But that begs that question, what does it even mean to “travel gay”? Is “travelling while gay” a status I must now endow? Do I need to go on a soul-searching trek around the world per Ellen Page’s Gaycation?

I’ve only been out nine months, and I’ve been racing to catch up on all the life experiences I may have missed. I feel like it’s morning and I haven’t put on my glasses yet. Except it isn’t just morning, it’s all my life.

What am I doing with my life? I’ve gotten my career sorted out (I just passed the one-week mark of unemployment and it has been amazing and surprisingly productive). I’m going back to school for a few months this summer and I’ll sort myself out after that. BUT what am I doing with my life? What am I championing? What am I after? What do I want?

Up til this point, my life and my career were synonymous to me. But there’s so much more to life than a passion project – you don’t come home to this. You don’t spend weekends on this (for the sake of pacing your motivation and drive in the long run).

I need answers. But I don’t know what I’m asking.

I did a bit of research and Portland is a pretty LGBT-positive city. I’ve booked a flight there so I’ll be there for a week, alone. I don’t know what I’m looking for or what will come of it, but I’d like to go to a gay bar alone, check that off the bucket list. I don’t know.

This post is all over the place. I don’t know.


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