She’s not the one

It’s a bit of a disappointment the moment you realize that she’s not the one.

Back in December I met a girl on Tinder (as millennial lesbians do) and we’ve been texting back and forth every day. However, she is not a fan of texting and does so only once every couple of hours. I’d normally read this as a sign of lacking interest, but when she responds, they’re elaborate paragraphs.

It took me almost five months to realize she’s not the one.

Despite texting literally every day for five months, we’ve only hung out (I refuse to call them dates) four or five times in person. I have fun when I’m with her and we get each other…but she’s not that great with telling me things about herself. It’s not that she’s secretive – she just needs prompts. Lots of them. “So what’s up with…” “How’s your…” “How’d you deal with…

I’m almost reasoning myself away from her -that’s what this blog is for: articulating my thoughts – but here’s what I feel:

She’s not very interesting.
Perhaps it’s more her not being one to share stories, but it seems like her life schedule comprises this: go to work, go home, Netflix, repeat forever. It doesn’t seem like she has much going on. There’s nothing she’s really passionate about. No cause or project. She doesn’t follow the news, she doesn’t like her data-entry job. Her music taste is very standard, all-radio. It makes connecting with her difficult when I can’t see a spark.

She’s detached.
When explaining parts of her horoscope that she identified with (yes, I’m disgusted with us too), she mentioned she was detached. When prompted to explain, she said if she gets broken up with, she’ll completely detach herself from the person. I took it for what it was. But I’m realizing now that THIS is what it means – she just doesn’t like sharing her ideas or thoughts or everyday life. She keeps everything inside.

We connect – just not romantically.
I called it from the beginning (again: link): I just think she’s more of a good companion. We would walk down a street, notice something/someone walk by, and without so much as turning our heads, be able to talk about it without having to preface it. Example: we were sitting in Trinity Bellwoods park, and people-watching. Out of nowhere, I said “She’s definitely not straight”, without pointing to who, and she responded “I was JUST thinking the same thing!”.

I think I confused our ability to be on the same page with a potential spark. And for the five months that I was texting with her, I put myself in limbo because I wasn’t sure what we were. I didn’t want to do something that felt wrong, but I failed to identify what we were. Labels suck – I fully know this, but it makes things so much easier, it makes lines so much clearer.

If I’m being completely honest with myself, I think a big part of why I want to be in a relationship is to prove to myself that I can be in one.

Compared to the average person, I’m far more empathetic, more emotionally aware of others’ feelings, more in tune with injustice in the world. But I genuinely think I’m a very selfish person, when it comes to my time and attention. It’s part of being an introvert, but it’s also my career-driven mind and my addiction to social media (problematic) and news. I’m much more relaxed now (relative to before I reassessed myself after coming out), but I still feel pressure to stick to a schedule and stay on task.

And because of this, I tend to drive people away by running away from them. I retreat into myself and block people out. Even worse, I do it subtly – enough that I don’t offend you, but you’ll naturally lose interest and eventually give up contacting me.

I think I’m a pretty fucking interesting person. I have (shamelessly) written about this before. Some people captivate you at first blush, then it fades. I’m the opposite – I get more interesting as you get to know me and I build on our friendship. It’s all about compensating It’s also what I look for in a partner: I want someone who is passionate about something, who has a curiosity and appetite for adventure. But not necessarily mountain-climbing-adventure because that sounds really tiring, more like boundless internet surfing and finding cool articles and online discoveries – that kinda adventurous, ya feel? No? Okay.

Anyway, it’s back to square one in the dating game. But I’d hate to think this five months was for naught. So it is back to square one… but with a different set of cards – I think I’m better equipped for the next person that comes my way. I know what to be aware of, know when it’s going nowhere, and know when to let go.

I’ll roll the dice when I’m ready.

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