I miss you.
I miss the times we spent together. I miss never running out of things to talk about with you. I miss confiding in you. I miss the shortcuts we can take with one another because we know each other so well and don’t need to tediously explain things we would with any other person. I miss that we have the same interests that overcome our greatest differences. I miss the way you could easily make me laugh like no one else and I, you. I miss knowing you so well I could tell with literally a single word that something was up and call you out on it.
You were my person.
But I’m not sorry I cut you off.
I was always there for you. But you were selective in when you would make yourself available to me. You would only come back when you didn’t have a boytoy. You knew (I told you) it was hard for me to walk away from people, and you took advantage of that. You dangled me and only came when you were bored of whoever you were toying with. But if you liked what you had in your hands, you would completely ignore me. Until you were bored. And I’d come back. Every. Fucking. Time.
Being a Newborn Gay, I had a difficult time understanding my relationship with you. I loved spending time with you and being with you and soon after I came out, I panicked as I tried to define my relationship with you. I was mortified – “did I like you? Like, like you, like you?”. Thankfully, the answer was No. A friend helped me realize that yes, I held our relationship on a pedestal and wanted this connection with someone, but I was obsessive over the connection itself, and not you, on the other side of it. I still think that the connection we had is what I’d look for in a soulmate.
Every time I want to come back – shoot you a quick text to say “hey. wyd” – I force myself to remember the most betrayed I’ve ever felt in my life. The one time I came to you when I was at my lowest, you kicked me down. I was on the verge of having an emotional breakdown at the office (which I’ve never had before, anywhere) and you had complete disregard for how I was feeling. You did the exact opposite of what I needed – you dismissed my emotions entirely, belittled her, and had not even a drop of empathy for the broken mess I was at that moment. I don’t know if you know, but, that day, you shattered me and my trust in you.
You are a toxic person. You are judgmental. You are impatient. You are not empathetic at all. You are dismissive. You are the embodiment of bad vibes. I have to remind myself over and over.
Being bad at walking away from people, I’ve had to delete you from my phone. Which was a good call because I’ve caught myself wanting to text you recently (which led to this letter). I’ve given in one too many times to stay away. But I do get scared of what I’d do if one day I get a text from you. Or if I see you on the street. I’m scared I’ll give in again. I’m scared that I’ll be doused in gasoline and you’ll be there, with a lit match.
We never had a proper goodbye that let me explain myself for cutting you off – you were never big on talking about feelings or closure. I write this as closure to myself. I need to solidify and put into words how I’ve felt and make this real. I’ve confided in other friends about this (several times, even before the final time I cut you off) and each time they’ve told me you’re no good for me – to the point when they would get bored of me venting about you. Well, I should’ve listened the first (ten) times.
I’m done. You brought such carefree happiness… but along with it, sadness and negativity that was far heavier and it’s time for me to truly move on. We had fun and I’m not supposed to have regrets. So I’ll remember you, as a lesson. This is goodbye.
Thanks for everything,