I (over)think, therefore I am (way too much).

None of this was supposed to happen.

True to my selfish nature and obsession with my career, my plan was to eat, live, and breathe big data this summer. My social life (friends and relationships alike) was to be put on the back burner and I was supposed to spend every waking moment working towards the six-figure* job guaranteed at the end of this summer course.

* The Program Director anecdotally said salaries of previous graduates started at $85,000 and moved up to $115,000. I’m busting my ass for these numbers.

I wasn’t supposed to be doing stupid shit like coming out to my mother or spending an entire weekend physically, mentally, and emotionally hungover. Every day counts when it’s a fast-track intensive program that has you in class five days a week, seven hours a day.

I overthink things. I overthink everything. In particular, I overthink social events, which is exactly why I shouldn’t be doing anything social because knowing myself, it’s hard for me to get my mind off anything after getting home. I overthink what people did, what people said, how the group dynamic was (WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME), what I should’ve done, what I didn’t do well, what I could’ve done better, the list goes on (who the fuck does thisss). My mind is usually scrambled with such random, absolutely inane thoughts that bar me from doing anything mentally strenuous… like studying for midterms.

Going into the program and knowing myself, I’d half-assedly told myself to avoid social activities and being social. “How hard could it be to avoid people?“, I’d thought. Jesus fucking Christ. It’s like everyone was right and I’ve been lying all this time about being an introvert.

So because I’ve been failing to stay antisocial, I’ve had a lot on my mind recently and writing them out has been cathartic. Being around people plants seeds in my head <ramble> probably because they’re so unpredictable while if I’m left alone, I can essentially predict everything… and learn nothing </ramble> that later manifest, when I least expect, into the most complex and beautiful-but-sometimes-ugly flowers. I’ve been pressured by the urgency of new ideas popping up at the most random of times, which explains why I clearly haven’t been sticking to my one-post-per-Sunday rule.

A good friend of mine tells me I’m using this program as a scapegoat to escape my feelings and my sexuality. She’s not 100% right (I have my eyes on that six-figure salary), but she’s not wrong. It’s a fantastic excuse to not get into a relationship, or pursue a romantic interest. It’s a fantastic defense mechanism to not develop and explore feelings – they’ve been dormant for 24 years (minus the early straight girl crushes and other fuck-ups) – shut it down while they’re still undeveloped! Don’t leave yourself vulnerable to someone! You can’t trust them! You can’t trust anyone! They probably won’t even like you once you let them get too close! Why risk it all? Focus on your career! You’re doing amazing, anyway! 

I don’t know. I’m sure I’ve made some breakthroughs with this post but overall it’s gone nowhere. 9/10 would write again. I hate everything.


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