Anxious.

I think my “anxiety attacks” come from me trying to let my walls fall down.

Understand that I’ve had them up so, so high for the past 23 years. I never talked about my feelings with family nor friends. I grew up in a Chinese family, so we definitely never talked about anything other than school, family friends, gossip in the badminton community – this includes not ever having The Talk, nor did they ever even bug me about my (/potential) relationships or crushes. I held everything inside. I held everything so tightly. For so long.

Aside from that time on the plane back from San Francisco, I’ve only ever had one “anxiety attack” (in quotations because it’s unconfirmed and I don’t want to appropriate this term from people with diagnosed anxiety). In February, I was getting so sick of my job but I was stuck at the office. I’d been crushed by something about Tinder Girl #3 – I think it had something to do with not knowing what we were, how I felt about her, how she felt about me, etc. And I almost broke down in tears at the office – which I had never done before. It caught me completely off guard, how miserable I was, and I blamed it on birth control pills. I’ve since stopped taking them.

I felt the same crushing sensations (different in duration and dept, but otherwise the same) – writhing helplessness and a decaying-feeling in my brain, like the synapses were being muted, and my thoughts going haywire and absolutely out of control, like I was trapped in a speeding car and my foot was on the pedal but I couldn’t take it off.

The only two commonalities between the episodes were girls. And the uncertainty surrounding them. They’re different from everything (everyone) else in life because this time i knew it was possible – I’d found lesbians, finally, and I knew it could possibly work. I finally had a reason to let my walls come down. And it’s fucking terrifying. It’s so fucking terrifying.

Maybe it’s not because of me letting my walls down. Maybe I’m just trying to find a reason (any other reason than anxiety, please don’t let it be anxiety) for how I’ve been feeling these past two days. But in my moment of clarity, I’m identifying this terror as a possible cause.

I don’t know, I’m hoping it is. I really don’t want anxiety and I’m going to do everything in my power to attach this feeling of weakness to something I can actually control and fight. This is how this episode is unravelling. I’m terrified.

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