Night Sweats

Strange things that have never happened before are happening in my body. I woke up multiple times last night, drenched in my own sweat. I vaguely remember touching my lower back and it was soaked. I shed my covers. The next time I awoke, I touched the back of my thigh. I was drenched… and I didn’t even know it was physically possible for me to sweat from my thighs.

Needless to say, I had a shitty night’s sleep. It’s been shitty for the past couple of nights.

I did a bit of Googling and digging past all the articles citing menopause, I’ve found it’s often a symptom of hormonal imbalance and stress. That sounds about right.

The past couple of times that I’ve gone to the gym have mostly been driven with my emotional and mental well-being in mind. I’ve found it helps to clear my head.

There’s a saying that I remember well that this one guy from badminton training would live by. It applies to all sports and fitness training, and it’s so simple: “Mind over matter.” You bring it out when your body is exhausted and you’re ready to break down and there’s a voice in your head telling you to just stop, please stop, you can stop… But if you hold onto “mind over matter“, ignore what your body is saying, and will yourself and push yourself to your limits, you can fucking do it. And you will be more than you were before.

I hope this applies to whatever it is that I’m fighting.

I always knew there was something wrong with me, but I never knew it could get this bad. I’ve always been a strong woman – people look up to me. I’m passionate, compassionate, driven, motivated, creative, intelligent, goddamn gorgeous (when I try), athletic, artistic, interesting, understanding, relentless*… I’m a god damn catch, and even then I’m selling myself short. I’ve “compensated” all these years for being gay, and now that I know my sexuality is not a flaw, I have all this that I’ve worked so hard for.

So when this anxiety hit, I was disappointed and terrified. I was and always have been the strong one. Will this be a handicap, a setback, to my life from now on? Will I not be able to achieve what I have in the past? I can’t fucking let that happen…

* Writing these things out about myself actually relieved the pressure. Note to self: write positive things about yourself if you have to battle anxiety in the future.

I think this anxiety attack is worse than the one last time because I’m not letting myself shut down these feelings. I’ve shut them down each time, and that’s why I’m still single – I keep myself this way. But this time, my feelings are lingering, waiting, alive until next week:

I might have a solution.

I have to ask her out.

If she says no, that’s fine. I need the closure.

If she says yes, it will get complicated.



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