What just happened.
I biked home in the rain with a big stupid grin on my face and as soon as I closed the door behind me, a big fat question hit me over the head: “…what just happened.“
I had asked her out and she had said yes.
That’s what happened.
It feels so surreal – like it didn’t happen.
…WHAT JUST HAPPENED??
After about half an hour of me spilling my feelings, where I’m coming from, etc. I struggled with how to end our meeting with something to work with. Personal or professional, it’s the worst thing you can do – leaving a meeting without a solid action plan or anything to work with.
So after spilling my feelings, I blurted out “I guess I’m asking you out on a date?”
I made it clear that I hated that word “date” because it felt so pretentious and it was like we were trying to prove our worth to each other. But as I told her, I felt I already knew her… and there’s nothing she needs to prove to me… I just wanted to know her better, know her more. I guess what I forgot was it was also her opportunity to gauge me – after all, we both knew I had feelings for her.
I’d think for about 85% of the time I was talking to her, every time I made eye contact with her, it was a deliberate move. I’m terrible at looking people in the eye when talking to them about feelings. I can look the CEO of a large company firmly in the eye and talk industry news, no problem. But give me a cute girl and I’ll shrivel up into a ball of awkward. So for most of it, I was looking off into the distance and drawing pictures with my hands.
I was on the same page as her when she said that we’d only hung out so many times and so we’d only gotten to know each other so much. But she added that she was very open to the possibility of exploring what could be there.
It didn’t feel conclusive and I was left a little empty by the lack of closure…
But as a friend reminded me, sure, this wasn’t a complete yes, but it was a step towards yes and most importantly, it wasn’t a no. Whereas the path to “no” is a short, solid, cold one, the path to “yes” is layered and multi-staged. There are hurdles and hurdles to yes.
Feeling so vulnerable was weird.
But I also felt safe.
With her, I felt that even if she were to let me down, I’d still be safe.
I feel better. You should’ve seen that idiot on her bike smiling all big ‘n’ stuff in the rain. And it didn’t even hit me until after about half an hour after I’d left her, after I’d talked about it with a confidante on the phone. I went in there looking for closure and I came out with hope. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
There’s a possibility that this relief is rooted in selfishness – I’m laughing because I’m 100% overthinking this but – this relief might not just be coming from asking her out, but it might also be coming from a sense of regained control. Like this thing that I was feeling absolutely helpless about, I felt I showed myself tonight that I was capable of exerting some form of control. I feel lighter. I feel more empowered.
Holy shit, am I in love or am I just a control freak.