I get by with a little help from my friends
I don’t actually know how the song goes but I think this is a lyric (?).
This past month, I’ve been more dependent on my close circle of friends than I’ve ever been. I don’t usually let myself get dependent on anyone or anything. But I’ve really, really needed their help and without them, I may have gone insane.
They’ve all been in relationships and were able to shed light on the dirty, dark details and in-between feelings that come with crushes and relationships. It’s never clean cut, it’s never completely two-sided, and there’s always someone putting in more effort than the other. Or at least, the way two people love can be different in magnitude and look different on the surface.
I was out with friends last night and a little distraught over why She, to keep it short, “didn’t tell me the full story”. I started overthinking. And the reasons that my asshole brain were coming up with were not fair, to her. It was difficult to empathize when your brash possessiveness was getting in the way and interrupting every thought.
“Can we go for a walk?” I asked one of my friends there. I told her everything, and she let me in on how she’d fucked up with someone that could’ve been The One because of an immature mistake. She painted a messy picture – because that’s what most relationships are like. She, like everyone else, told me I’m overthinking it. She reaffirmed my suspicions that maybe She just doesn’t want to mix friend groups, especially since we haven’t even hung out that much.
But why did she have to omit her friend’s name if I know who she is. (“Maybe she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you who it was and not inviting you”).
Another confidante of mine tried reasoning these bad thoughts away via text message. But I just felt so let down by Her. But at the same time, unreasonably so – we’re not together, she’s not mine; I have no right to these feelings. So many angry “Why”s that I couldn’t answer… because they shouldn’t have been asked in the first place.
I’m fighting. I’m really fighting to hang on to these feelings. I’m constantly fighting my defensive tendencies that are telling me it’s easier to let go, it probably won’t work out, you’re a last resort, she’s not even into you, you’re just a safety net, you’re not compatible, you’re too different, you’re too weird, you’re not like her ex, you’re not her type, she’s out of your league, she probably really doesn’t like you at all and said yes to a date because you put her on the spot, you’re just not good enough for her, you’re inexperienced, there’s plenty more fish in the sea and they’ll be easier to have and probably reciprocate your feelings better, you always thought you’d date someone older anyway, you’ve probably misinterpreted her cultural habits as advances and she was just being friendly, you’re seeing things that aren’t there because we see what we want to see.
Basically, the lesson I’ve learned is: it’s a lot more complicated than a fairy tale.
And it requires a lot of patience. And there’s a lot of unknown and helplessness, which sent me into a state of shock last week. Speaking of which, I went to the medical centre on Friday and got a diagnosis. But I felt like I was steering it since I’d told her my diagnosis of the situation and my interpretation of everything. She told me I had “situational anxiety”. It’s nice to put a name to it. I feel like that’s all I went to her for. She didn’t prescribe any medication but she gave me a list of counselling resources just in case. Note: therapy is goddamn expensive – averaging $150 for a session! No thanks. I don’t even know how people who actually have anxiety are able to afford this, esp if this setback makes it harder for them than someone without anxiety to get a well-paying job.
If not for my friends, I may have let her go already. I would’ve been selfish and let my defense mechanism take over and shut down these feelings. It’s taking a lot on their part – it can’t be too much fun coaching a newbie who’s showing so much reluctance and indecision. It’s like they’re more invested in this than me.
Tone it down, Fabs. Turn off your dumb-dumb brain.