I know this about myself: I go after what I want and I don’t stop til I get it. If I really want something, I don’t take no for an answer – there’s always a way.
So why was it so hard for me to chase this girl? Why was there so much uncertainty and hesitation in my steps?
I assumed it was because I was new to dating and ~feelings~. That there was a lot of uncertainty that I would just have to accept. But I found out the real reason today, when I went on a non-date with her.
I was going to leave what I’ve learned at the end, but I can’t wait to share it:
You can be genuinely attracted to someone, but it won’t matter and your attraction won’t last if there’s no chemistry between the two of you.
We had a fun non-date, but I felt it wasn’t romantic. We had a good time. But there was no spark. If anything, there were times when it was awkward. I immediately texted my confidantes after parting ways with her: “I’m even more confused”. I thought after spending this time with her, my feelings would’ve gotten stronger. But nada. They stalled, and if anything, it felt empty on that front. Thus my confusion.
Perhaps it was the lack of deep, meaningful conversation, and not being able to tell the stories I had wanted to tell. Determined to get to the bottom of this, I asked her out to dinner so that we could get to know each other better (because lord knows this non-date didn’t help).
That’s when she told me, upfront, that she felt we weren’t vibing on a date-level.
Nail. On. The. Head.
To be completely honest, I did feel shitty for two seconds. But it was followed by a huge wave of relief. I felt free. I felt like this entire time, I was consumed by all this clutter, how to appeal to her, and my own mental health that I wasn’t even looking at the relationship at hand. I felt the pressure and weight of pretense. The fact that I’m still calling it a non-date in my head is a tell-tale sign. I’m still not sure who I was pretending to/for.
But she had hit the nail on the head with that one. I was trying to make it work when there wasn’t much to work with. It took her telling me “we weren’t vibing on a date-level” for me to really realize it. It hit me that there was no chemistry and a very weak connection. Thank God for honesty and being upfront. I told her I agreed, and we agreed to just be friends.
The three things that attracted me to her – they were real. She has a beautiful voice, she’s morally grounded, and she’s emotionally beautiful. These are things I find attractive. But these are just descriptors now and not things that pull me towards her.
It takes chemistry. It’s all about chemistry.
Unfortunately, we had none.
So I’m glad it happened. I learned a lot about myself – I didn’t think I had the balls to ask a girl out. The issue here was that I wasn’t sure what I wanted and the circumstances at play made her seem like something I wanted. The psychological effects of “wanting something more if you can’t have it” applied – me being unsure of my feelings while the “threat” of “losing her” that week loomed artificially made her more desirable. And that fucked with my head hard.
Two hours after, I texted a confidante:
God, closure feels so good.