Even if Buckley’s is bitter and foul-tasting, you’ll take a spoonful of it anyway because you know that it’ll fix you up and be good for you in the long run.
She told me she felt it wasn’t going to work and that it be best if we just be friends, to which I (truthfully) agreed. It took a whole day for the taste to pass but I can feel the healing process underway.
After a couple of hours spent accepting what happened and recalibrating my emotions from our nondate, I went to bed happy and relieved on Saturday night. But I woke up rather stiff on Sunday. I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s a bit of a bitter taste left in my mouth about how it went… but I am surprised. I’ve already analyzed the situation and broken everything down to objective truths – if I’ve accepted the fact that it didn’t work out because you can’t force chemistry, shouldn’t I be able to just… move on?
Perhaps it’s because it feels like failure (even when it isn’t). The point of us hanging out one-on-one is to get to know each other and gauge whether or not we are compatible. We are not. So shouldn’t it be a success?
Perhaps it’s because I’ve built this up so much in my head and filled in gaps of unknowns with ideals (thanks to over-thinking) and watching it collapse in real-time, slowly, in my hands was a massively disappointing feeling. It was like watching a skyscraper crumble – its infrastructural skeleton unable to support the architect’s overly-ambitious plans. And I couldn’t do anything about it.
Perhaps I’m still trying to figure out if I did something wrong. I know for a fact that I wasn’t able to let my walls down. I just couldn’t connect with her and I felt threatened by that, so my walls stayed up… maybe even higher.
Perhaps it’s just natural to feel disappointed. “It is what it is” is one of my least favourite sayings (right next to “I disagree”). I never truly believe “it is what it is” – you can change the outcome, you can try again, you can make it work, there is. Always. A. Fucking. Way.
But you can’t force chemistry.
A part of me is screaming “but you can build chemistry!”… but it would need to come from both sides. It’d take work, but I don’t think she was invested in this enough to begin with. I’d love to think her agreeing to come on our “date” came from the heart, but given how I put her in the spotlight and unloaded a ship-load of baggage onto her, I suspect it may have come from a place of pity or compassion. I wasn’t fair to her. I’m so sorry.
I’m annoyed. I’m fixated on the fact that despite it being over, I’m still struggling with what our one-on-one outing was. I can’t call it a date – I refuse – and it’s a symptom of me still not being able to let my walls down. I just couldn’t, with her. I felt so threatened by our incompatibility that I wasn’t able to let her in. I tried, and I failed. I’m so sorry.
But I am grateful. I’m grateful that this was with her. I could’ve been hurt pretty badly, but she gave me a chance to explore this side of me. She could’ve hurt me. But she didn’t.
I’m sorry it ended badly – I ended it pretty abruptly and I suspect that may have irritated her. Or maybe I’m overthinking.
I’ve learned so much, in particular, there being things that you can’t control – it’s the toughest pill I’ve had to swallow. I’m a work in progress. I’m trying. But these walls aren’t coming down easily.