I’m getting tired.

What’s up with gays flaunting their gayness?

I still consider myself relatively new to the scene so I’m reveling in how unabashed my newfound queer friends are in their queerness and the visibility of their own sexuality. But sometimes it gets hard to escape – it seems like every punchline is related to being queer, to queerness. It seems like when they praise the phrase “my sexuality is not the most interesting thing about me”, the admiration they have for this quote does not align with what they truly believe about themselves.

I’m sure, like all jokes, this will get old… It’s striking to me that this still feels new to the others, despite them being out for so long, while I’ve only been out-and-about for only a few months. I’m getting tired – I’m unsure if it’s from the intense re-use of queer jokes and the intense focus on sexuality, or if it’s my introverted side talking. Perhaps it’s both.

I’m also getting tired of how hard it is to find someone. To let my walls down to. It’s frustrating because I know I’m not in a place right now to be in a relationship, yet I want to be with somebody – perhaps it’s because I want to prove to myself that I can be in one. Perhaps this wanting is riding on the inertia of coming out and being immersed in several circles of gay friends.

I thought I clicked with this one girl – I’m sure we did, I felt it – but not long after we met, another one of my queer friends asked her out.

C’est la vie.

I’m not even mad.

Disappointed? A little. But nobody’s to blame here. Move along.

I’m getting tired of trying to keep up with others and neglecting myself. I need to just do me. I need to keep doing dope shit.


edit.//

This post came from a tired (obviously) place. I’m exhausted from today’s Island Day with the gays. A lot of good things happened this week – my old boss offered me a position at the firm, a lesbian offered to put me in touch with HR (specializing in diversity and LGBT inclusion) at a large bank, and I got contact info for an Out on Bay Street Women’s Speaker Series speaker after approaching her post-talk.

Yeh life is good.

I’m just tired right now.

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