More than Anything
I want to be successful, more than anything in the world. I want it so badly, it’s rooted at the very core of my being.
My goal in life is not to be “a successful lesbian“, but “a successful person who happens to be a lesbian“. The difference is not so subtle, but only after bringing to light. I’ve mentioned before that I refuse to be defined by my sexuality. Take Suze Orman for example – she doesn’t make her sexuality a big deal. She doesn’t need to. Her primary identity is a financial guru.
Success is subjective. I don’t even know if I can define it for myself. Very loosely, it’s loving and being good at things that I do.
I’m the type of person who gets quiet and gets sorely disappointed at herself when she messes up – this is so evident when I play sports: when I miss a shot, make a bad pass, miss a catch – my eyebrows furrow and I shake my head in disgust. Sometimes I’ll yell. I like being good at things and hold myself to ridiculously high standards.
Something that’s been bothering me is my lesbian identity – or the ambiguity of mine. I’ve ranted about this before, but I’ve a new issue that adds to it. It bugs me now more than before because I’ve recently asked other queer women what I’d be typecasted as (e.g. as butch, as femme, as a sporty gay, as a bookworm library lesbian) as I’ve struggled with coming up with one myself. The best any of them have come up with is “lite femme, lite hipster”, which is barely better than “well you don’t have to define yourself with just one label”.
It’s even more unsettling this time around because I feel anxious not knowing where my partner would fit amongst this mess (me). How I should act, my role in the relationship, her role in the relationship, expectations… I can’t even define myself – how would they know where they could fit?
Yup, my lesbian identity crisis is resurfacing because I need to know how I’ll “fit” with my partner. For example, if I were a clean-cut butch lesbian, I would feel more confident in taking on a more traditionally masculine role in the relationship. If I were more femme, I’d feel less pressure to be the decision-maker, the protector, the-…
As I’m typing this out, I’m hearing how ridiculous and outdated these expectations are.
It’d be so much easier if there was a how-to book on same-sex relationships.
But then again, set roles in any relationships are dumb.
So herein lies my dilemma – some days I’m a sporty gay, butch AF, loudly dropping weights at the gym. Other days (heck, other minutes) I’m a femme gay trying to match accessories with my dress.
How can I expect anybody to keep up, when I can barely keep up with myself?
Because the thought of being in a relationship has been knocking on my door, the pressure to figure out my identity has resurfaced. “Do I make the first move?” “Am I the one who will do the pursuing?”
In addition to all the above, in the process of “doing me”, I’ve been skeptical of whether I’ll have time or the emotional availability for someone else in my life. I’m extremely busy and constantly on the go – I keep myself this way. To be successful.
Am I willing to compromise my success for the sake of finding someone? Do these two things have to be mutually exclusive?
Success. Identity. Expectations.
I’m posting at 2am again – two days after I’m supposed to be updating this blog, too. No breakthroughs are being made, just mountainous balls of stress. I’ll put this on hold.