I’ve noticed I’ve developed two habits when I get drunk:
- I go on and on about emotional beauty, and it being “my type”.
- I rant about not fitting into a subcategory of lesbian.
One time after Crews, I’d ranted the second point to a friend of mine who had been with her girlfriend for four years. I elaborated on wanting to find a label so that I could understand where my partner’s role would “fit” in my life better. She stopped me immediately.
“Don’t think about that, man, that’s ridiculous. That really fucked with my head when I was with this girl before – we were sorta together but because she felt I wasn’t “butch enough” for her and it didn’t “balance out” the relationship, she ended up cutting it off with me. So don’t even think it, that’s dumb“.
It only struck me then exactly how harmful these gendered relationship roles were – I was staring at collateral damage from this social construct in the eye and she was definitely scarred by it. Heteronormativity sucks ass.
More than a few times, I’ve gotten “your life seems so much more interesting than mine” from friends. Funnily enough, most often these are friends who are in content relationships.
I’ve written before that I’m always up to things, never bored, never boring. I can’t imagine being in a relationship that dulls me. I need to always be doing something. The thought of “getting by” and “being content” is terrifying to me. I think the key here is to find someone who feels like home, but also pushes me to be a better person. What a fine balance. What a terrifying endeavor.