I don’t know what it is but in the past two or so months, “condemned” characters have been playing a bigger role in my life. Last week, I finally got to meet someone who’d been “exiled” from the gaysian group. Given that C, F, and some others really seemed to like her, I’d been predisposed to liking her before actually meeting her. My gut feeling was right.
Since F and I let our walls down, I reciprocated her enthusiasm for meeting this girl. After one failed attempt, I finally got to meet her with F at an Out on Bay Street women’s speaker series event. Turns out she knows the organizer
whom I’ve thought for a while was attractive, . We hit it off pretty well and it being open bar didn’t hurt. She was noticeably touchy, but it seems that’s just the type of person she is.
She made for good company and it was a good night over all. I let her in a little bit on my life this year, thus far (as documented by this blog, there’s no way I can fit my 2016 stories into anything less than a week’s worth of hanging out). But I did squeeze in my brush with anxiety (see posts from July), my dad being hard to read, me meeting Gaysians, and my other friend who’d been exiled.
I liked her spontaneity when we passed by a record store and either F or I commented “we should go here sometime”, and she said “let’s go now!”.
A few days later, we were texting and before you know it, I was going with her to the Christmas market down by the Distillery District. She was with a friend visiting from Waterloo, but it didn’t hit me until an hour later that I could’ve possibly been third-wheeling – the other friend mentioned AfterEllen and Autostraddle (flags don’t come in any redder hues) but she wasn’t her type (Asian?) from what I’d heard. I had to text her to make sure, and it turned out the other girl was 1.) 26 years old, and 2.) has a girlfriend.
Her friend ended up missing her bus to Waterloo and was deeply, visibly bummed by this. I tried distracting her friend with a story but I wasn’t sure if she was biting. That’s when she butt in subtly gently to console her friend. So either she’s acutely aware of other people’s feelings or she’s known her friend for a long time and is sensitive to her feelings. I was impressed, and added to the consoling, which worked by the brightening look on her friend’s face.
She’s a good time and her indirect separation from the other Gaysians makes me happy. I don’t like having everyone in one massive group – it seems to get messy. I suspect she’ll be a recurring character.
It’s been busy since my last update – two months (!!!) ago. A lot has unfolded and I’m not quite sure where to begin. But let’s give it a shot.
Lesbians play games too.
In news-that-is-only-shocking-because-I-set-myself-up-for-it, I realized I’d fallen for an Asian girl. If I break it down, it’s because she is dangerously flirtatious and rather manipulative. She’s part of the gaysian crew and it took a friend of mine revealing to me she had fallen for her as well (before I did) and gotten stood up by her, did I realize that the little things she was doing to me, she’d been doing to others. Interestingly, I’d met this friend over a year ago, at a highschool friend’s barbecue in San Francisco. I knew she was queer but being closeted, I distanced myself from her as best I could because I was afraid of being too closely aligned with queerness. Only after a year, or this past week, did we suddenly have a good talk – it seemed to come out of nowhere – and she revealed to me that she had had complicated feelings with our (lesbian) highschool friend, who led her on and played mind games. She was hesitant to tell me as she thought given our history, I was close with this friend and, like many in their friend group, I viewed her as a likeable, perfect socialite. By keeping her feelings to herself (and probably being invalidated when opening up to their mutual friends), she fell deeper and deeper into thinking this was “her fault” and “just in her head”. I guess that’s what happens when nobody believes you.
But I knew better than that. I’d seen our friend’s God complex and watched it grow through highschool. As F and I pulled our walls down brick by brick, she felt elated in learning this wasn’t just in her head. She’d been pessimistic about love for a long time, she told me, and this was giving her much needed hope. She proceeded to tell me about her experience with my then-crush, and with each sentence, my own outlook on love began to plummet. Everything she was revealing was all-too-familiar.
“brb. My mom’s visiting” – a half-lie that gave me time to process it all. I took this time to rant to C.
But I did eventually come clean to her about my own feelings for this girl. It gave me some twisted sense of relief every time she expressed anger when I told her things that the girl had done, which, I was beginning to realize, were emotionally manipulative. Her anger trickled into my own.
It wasn’t until this that I realized she knew so much about me, but I knew so little about her. Again, like Buckley’s, I had to swallow it to feel better about reality. It took a few days of distancing myself, but I am, for the most part, over her. I don’t want to sever my friendship with her, but I will need to exercise viewing everything she does as platonic, no matter how flirtatious.
The lesson? Don’t keep things in your head. Whether it’s game-changing information or a new perspective or validation, it’s something you cannot possibly get by yourself.
Mine’s a gay story – get used to recurring characters.
Remember that time I drunkenly chased down a girl for her number? Well, I saw her again at C’s Halloween party – my friend who’d been there with me that first night, E, invited her and her girlfriend. Later that night when we went to a gay bar, it seemed like all the queer characters (well, except the one that really started it all) from my summer were under one roof: Maryia – the emotionally unavailable blonde (who I don’t think I wrote about), C’s gaysian crew, E, and the tall blonde. All under one gay bar roof.
Then, as if by gay law, when so many gay mutuals from all areas of life congregate, gay drama unfolded. Here’s a copy and paste from an fb messenger recap:
So I met the girl that [the tall blonde] is now seeing. She’s super chill and we all get along- I don’t know if she knows how I met [tb] though. So at one point at Cream, I’m grabbing a drink and [tb] comes over by herself to get a water. We end up chatting and she ends up telling me that she’s finding it hard to connect with her gf. I tell her to talk it out with her. So she tries and while we’re all dancing, she looks kinda upset but her gf doesn’t really seem to care… Then [tb] disappears…
I ask her gf and she says she lost her phone… But they’re still dancing and not helping her (???) so I try to find her and I call her phone to see where it is, and I end up outside… And she picks up…
Turns out she was about to leave the bar but she comes back and she looks fucking miserable. She didn’t get a straight answer from her gf and she’s debating if this relationship is even worth it. She asks me why I’m going after her when I can see she’s unhappy but her gf isn’t. Well, it’s cuz she has a shitty gf… but I can’t tell her that.
Then she tells me we should go back to my place. And I say no that’s a bad idea. Then her gf and [E] come out and she’s just being a totally shitty gf, so oblivious to how [tb] is… Even [E] asks if she’s okay. Then her gf fucking leaves to go home with [E] (they’re sharing an airbnb) and just tells [tb] to text her when she’s home. Wtf. So I grabbed my jacket and took her to McDs to let her talk it out and give her my take on everything and rant too.
It was just such a weird fucking night. I was planning on being in bed by midnight… Then all this happens
She ended up breaking up with her girlfriend and rumours began to spread, sides were taken by the Twitter gays – primarily, her ex-gf’s side. I went for brunch with her this past Thursday and after a bit of hesitation, I invited her to the queer potluck I was hosting. The reasoning behind this is I’ve learned queer people need queer friends; there are holes that simply cannot be filled by straight folks. It wasn’t in me to walk away (as with that night at Cream) when I knew someone was in need, and this need was evident when we talked over brunch.
She got along well with the gaysians, but I’m not sure if how much of a recurring character she will be from hereon.
Breakups within a friend group.
Meanwhile, I’ve started hanging out with a friend who’d been “exiled” from the planners – him and a friend of mine had broken up and with almost everyone was on the girl’s side, he’d essentially been cut off. It wasn’t until recently that I made a deliberate effort to hang out with him – He revealed to me that he had endured depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies. It broke my heart to learn he was alone in all this, and it angered me to know my friends could go to bed having let this happen.
This whole bullshit with “taking sides” after a breakup is so ridiculous. It was also Her reason for not dating anybody in the gaysian group – anticipating a bad breakup and inevitable exile. This was a pathetic reason in my view to not pursue someone. If you find someone you love, nothing as petty as “friends taking sides” should stop you from being with them – were they even good friends to begin with if they’d take sides? Be an adult, get over your feelings.
I have a hard time saying the last part as it seems starved of empathy. I’ve never been in that position, but I can see how it can be absolutely devastating post-breakup. I just feel one person’s dilemma shouldn’t have such a disruptive ripple effect on those around them. Perhaps this view that I hold is indicative of other things about me – but they won’t be explored today.
She disappeared with another girl whom she had been seeing for 30 mins. Although She told me she’d called it off, I could only worry about the other girl. I went up to her privately shortly after and said “I’m only going to ask you one thing: Are you giving her the closure she needs?”. She replied yes, and I didn’t press further. That’s all I needed to hear. This had become less about her and more about the other girl – whom I’d come to learn was emotionally sensitive.
Oh and also a friend of mine tore every ligament in her foot last night at my potluck when she was on the rooftop and as tears streamed down her cheeks and her girlfriend panicked, I had to put on a brave face, console the both of them, and act as if it wasn’t the worst sprain I had ever seen in my entire life. Then I had to go back into the potluck I was hosting and pretend everything was fine when all I wanted to do was go home.
Except I couldn’t because I was already home, and I had 20 people to look after.
I haven’t even mentioned the networking, conferences, and interviewing I’ve been doing while all of this is happening.
Plus the parking tickets dataset I’ve been working on for the past couple of months.
I’m so emotionally drained.