I’ve done pretty well with keeping my urgency for employment in check these past few months, but I’ve been getting antsy and stressed out recently. With my final presentation this past Monday, I’ve decided to switch gears fully to job hunting. It’s been incredibly hectic with everything going on in my career and my personal life and I… just need to write as my outlet for clearing and articulating my thoughts.
This will be a two-part post which will serve as a professional strategy for my career and a needed update on my personal / queer life.
Putting my Career in 6th Gear
Bridging that gap between urban planning and big data was just as hard as I’d thought. Before even jumping ship, I knew it was a risky move – the big data industry is in its infancy in Toronto and carving a city-building niche out of it here has been tough.
That being said, I have absolutely no regrets. Taking a break from working gave me time to work through and reflect on my own issues, and most importantly, it’s given me sufficient time to comfortably come out to my family and friends . I’ve gained so much more confidence this past summer because frankly, I went through a shit ton. I’ve always had a joie de vivre… but I’m coming to realize it’s always been confined to the circle of my career; I think the freedom of this year has allowed it to extend into my personal life. The feeling of “something I can never have” feels more artificial and I’m shaking my head smiling at how trivial my lesbian identity crisis was.
But money don’t grow on trees and mama needs cash for good timez.
I’m essentially up against engineers and programmers when it comes to data analyst jobs and I’m being judged on the same 5-year undergraduate criterion with my 4-month certificate course. I’ve also noticed that I miss the real estate and development industry. I miss looking at metrics and economics and city-building. My passion ignites every time I read an urbanism-related news article. I don’t think I can pull myself away from this field. So from here on, I’d pursue a career in:
- Real Estate Development
- Data analysis / land economics
- Urban Planning
As a step forward, I’ve started compiling a list of firms to check job postings for and they’re all in this field. I’m reaching out to people and getting back in the volunteering space with ULI.
I’ve seriously considered more precarious jobs, like working in marketing and project management – it won’t fulfill me to my soul as I’d hope with other things, but the important thing here is that I was okay with it. Quitting this summer, I’ve met more artists and freelancers than ever, and it goes against principles I was raised upon – e.g. “not having a stable job means you can’t get a stable job and treads closely to being a failure“.
Hey. If you have a roof over your head and you’re not starving… you’re more than okay. You’re so fortunate. Although I won’t be pursuing freelance work, coming to terms with this has instilled a sense of calm at my core that I find myself finding retreat in at desperate times.
I took a 5 hour break in between the last paragraph and this one and I seem to have lost my momentum for writing about my personal life. Whelp, here’s a lesson to get shit done as close as you can to when you first conceive of the idea.
…So there’s this girl.
And I feel like we like each other but I’m not sure and I’m trying to be vulnerable (let myself fall for her??? It gets blurry???) but I’m not too sure how to give myself to her. It’s emotionally frustrating. I’m good at loving; I’m bad at flirting. And so, unbeknownst to my objects of affection, I love silently until they think I’m disinterested and they walk away. I don’t know if it’s more tragic that this happens or that I know it happens. I keep reminding myself:
“just because someone doesn’t love the same way you do, doesn’t mean they’re not giving it their all”.
But I did get burned the last time I held this too tightly (as previously mentioned). I don’t know.
Let the chips fall where they may.
It was inevitable, but it only took a few months for Gay Drama ™ to catch on. Long story short, a downtown queer invited a three or so queers to go to O’Grady’s tomorrow, followed by dancing at Crews. It was a fairly small group compared to the usual Gaysian hangout which comprises 15 people on the reg.
Because there were only about 6 Gaysians going, I decided to extend the invite to a buncha other queers, including the tall blonde, the artist, and a handful of others. It’ll be an interesting mix. Oh, and I invited J.
It’ll be a good time. We’ll see how it goes.