“I don’t know”, she smiled sadly. Her eyes drifted away from me and she was gone. And I was still here.
My fingers began gently tapping on the table, fidgeting to feel present. I was tempted to lose myself into daydream with her, but I remembered we would each be in our own, and not intertwined. What was the point of that?
I didn’t want to hold her captive in the present, so I let her be. But how my heart longs when she’s so far – just across this small diner table – but so far. She’ll come back eventually, I remind myself, after how many ever eternities. I’ll wait.
Her gaze lowered. She was returning.
With a blink, her eyes gazed back at mine, sad from memories she had just re-lived. An unknown that I couldn’t trespass upon.
“I don’t know”, she repeated, more tired than before. No smile this time.
I grew angry at the thought of her deserting me for her thoughts, again. She has needs, that’s just how she is. It’s selfish. You don’t know what she’s going through. It’s unfair that she won’t open up to me. She doesn’t need to. You just need to be there. I can’t do this anymore. You’re going to leave her because you can’t fix her? She’s not yours to fix. I can’t do this anymore. The conditions you place on your love are so hypocritical. I was wrong. I can’t do this anymore.
“You’re doing it again.” she said.
I returned my gaze to hers and felt my brow relax.
“What were you thinking about?”
Her chest rose. And fell.
“It might not be me, but please find someone to talk to.” I couldn’t tell if it was worry or impatience that tinged her voice.
Why are you so distant? Where do you go when your gaze falls from me? Why can’t you take me with you? Please take me with you. “Okay.”
“What’s on your mind?” she asked.
“Nothing.” Pry harder, I begged. If you cared, you’d pry harder. Show me you care.
She pursed her lips and looked down. Her chest rose. And fell.
“Why won’t you open up to me?”
No, this wasn’t the direction that I-
“I’m trying so hard but you- ”
I retreated into my head.
I just wanted to know you cared. You were so close.