Story of my life.

She has feelings for me. She’s afraid of losing me.

I have feelings for her. I’m afraid of hurting her.

So we’re going to stay friends and nothing more.


She told me she had feelings for me early on but chose to shut them off because of her terrible experiences with past relationships, wherein her and her ex-partner would end up on bad terms and essentially cut each other off. She was terrified of that happening to us.

She asked me what I thought about that.

I laughed.

“What?” she asked.

It’s just the story of my life. When someone gets feelings for me, it’s early on and I don’t recognize or acknowledge mine until much later… when the other person has moved on, or their feelings for me have expired.

“… Okay but… hypothetically… what if my feelings haven’t expired?”

We endured the longest two minutes of silence.

I was at a loss for words.

I was at a crossroads.

Do what scares you.

Don’t hurt her.

You should do it.

You’ll hurt her.

You’ll have fun together.

You’ve weighed everything – you won’t last. And then you’ll hurt her.

You’re right.

I think I meant what I said earlier, when I said the most important thing to me is you don’t get hurt – by me or by anyone else. I don’t want to hurt you. So I don’t think we should pursue anything. We should just stay friends.


We… hugged it out.


There was no future with her. I should’ve realized this sooner. When confidante #2 asked me to list the things I liked about her, not long after naming just one, I strayed into the negatives territory, and it wasn’t until she pointed it out to me that I realized.

That in itself should be an indication.

Now the hard part comes – weening her off without hurting her.

I need to move on, for myself. And probably for her. It’s not healthy to be so invested in someone I’m not even pursuing.


So relationship territory remains unexplored. Alas. Plus ca change.


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