My friend CF came back from Alberta this week and I had a chance to catch up with him. He’s one of the first five people I came out to so there were updates worth sharing.
He told me about how he’d met his current bf through a kink website. He’s very open about his affection for kink and I love him for it.
Of course I updated him on my most recent experience with a non-monogamous person, wrapping up my story with how I found it (non-monogamy) so prevalent in the queer community, particularly amongst men.
He then told me his bf is in a common law relationship with another man and the three of them are polyamorous. Also, he was staying at his ex-bf’s place, and they’ve already had sex a few times since he’s been back.
I’m happy for CF. I really am. I’m also trying to put into perspective how I’d feel about it if I were in his shoes. And I really can’t.
This non-conventional life is so unstructured and tiring. It’s tiring rebuilding a structure/building a new structure. Once you take out the groom on top of the wedding cake, you inevitably ask, “what else can I modify?”. Kids can be removed. Marriage. Monogamy. Certain rules. Who knows what else?
In other news, it was my first week of unemployment and I’ve been feeling very tired recently. I went on a first date with someone I’d been chatting with for three months (… We tried meeting up before, it just fell through all three times). I’m not sure how I feel about her. She’s funny, she’s cute, she’s smart as fuck. I just don’t know about romantic chemistry.
Maybe I’m just still hung up on the previous girl. Maybe I’m getting my period soon. I did down half a tub of ice cream this morning so that’s more than likely.
I don’t want to see other people. But I know I need to.
It doesn’t mean I have to stop seeing her. It just means I can see other people. If she wants to be “consensually non-monogamous”, then that’s the perfect opportunity for me to try it out too.
Not only that, but I’m driving myself up the wall when I’m waiting for her to text back and she’s actually on a date with someone else.
I overthink a lot of things. I think about her a lot. It’s a recipe for an anxious disaster.
I’m not too sure why I’m overthinking it now. I didn’t overthink it when she told me she was leaving for Vancouver eventually. That would’ve thrown me off the second I heard it, and initiated a “detach!” response, that’s always waiting just under the surface.
I’d found solace in S and her words of comfort. After hearing about this several times, she put her foot down and said “I’m hearing a lot about what she wants. But nothing about what you need. What do you need?”
She’s completely right. I’ve been giving myself to her and addressing her wants. Bending over backwards to meet her desires, because it made me happy – so happy – to see her happy. I’ve been on the pursuit of her happiness. And I’ve been neglecting myself in the process.
It’s not her fault. It makes me happy to give. But I guess I’m realizing it’s not healthy that I’ve been neglecting myself and turning a blind eye to my own needs.
She spent New Year’s Eve with the other girl. It was a kick in the stomach to find out, but I guess I didn’t have any solid plans until the last minute.
But that’s the nature of a non-monogamous relationship huh? Everything is up for grabs and gone in a second. Unless if we talk about a structure. But she’s terrible at communicating. As bad as I am at it, she absolutely avoids hard conversations. But she’s the one who wants to be non-mono. She’s making it really hard for me and for the sustainability of this relationship.
I just don’t know how to voice how I feel.
Maybe sometime this weekend we’ll talk about it. I just gotta figure out what I want before then.
This time last year I would’ve been hard-pressed if asked to name more than 7 queer friends. Hell, I had to recruit a girl I’d met on Tinder to join my queer ultimate frisbee team.
So imagine my shock when, after sending out Facebook event invites for a queer park hang, the RSVP list spat out a tally of 65 queer females. And this wasn’t even counting the queers who I had either forgotten or deliberately did not invite.
After months of floating the idea of a queer park hang oriented towards ultimate frisbee, I decided to overcome the unnerving unknown of there being too few gays who would actually enjoy ultimate frisbee. I bit the bullet when I was most tired on a Thursday night, quickly drafted an event description, and sent out a swath of invitations.
I began remembering others who I’d missed and added them. Then BYOQ-style, people started inviting their own queer friends. I had amassed 90 (plus an additional 11 who cannot make it). Just under a third had committed ‘Yes’, a little less had thrown in a non-committal ‘Maybe’.
I’m excited, I really am. It’s a little tiring always having to meet gays in alcohol-themed settings. I love sports and I love park beers (beer is fine – hard liquor is a different story). Only a dollop of queerness could make these two things better.
A recurring theme in my life is meeting people when it’s too late.
In hindsight, it was sheer luck that her birthday caught my eye on Facebook – I’m usually rather oblivious and indifferent. And it was more luck that led me to privately messaging her “Hey, happy birthday!”.
“Thanks! How are things going with you?”
A deliberate opening.
We’ve been talking every day since for the past few weeks. A week into it, I learned she had recently become single.
Good. I never liked her ex.
I didn’t expect to get along so well with her though. I have such an appreciation for and attraction towards good conversationalists*.
* I’ve noticed someone who is a great conversationalist in-person is not always such over social media or online communication. The same is for the other way around. This is worth noting.
So it really sucks that she’s moving to the west coast in a few weeks.
A week into talking, she’s already opened her doors for a visit if I ever go. It doesn’t feel like a complete loss, but I am rather disappointed she’s leaving. I would’ve loved to get to know her more. Her association with a certain couple of people had me weary and dulled my interest in approaching her, but she’s a fantastic, career-driven person and we have very similar taste in books and humour. We’re both fascinated by growth and challenging ourselves. She’s very into motivational speakers and clearly a very resilient person. She’s just good vibes all around.
I’ll see her this weekend for my meetup. Beyond our dynamic, I’m excited for the event itself.
My Straights held our (/semi) annual feast in Port Credit this past weekend. I didn’t know how badly I needed to take a break from the emotional roller coaster of my queer life until I hung out with them this past weekend. It was purely good vibes.
I’ve recently noticed that I’ve gained confidence when making advances on girls, just like Vance Joy had said. I used to feel insufficient and very conscious of not coming off too strong on (/straight) girls, as if I was being careful to not stir any homophobia within them. I refused to play into “the lesbian boogeyman” borne from the egos of straight people; just because I am gay does not mean I hit on any female human being.
But now… I just don’t care.
If she’s attractive, Imma go for it.
Maybe it’s because I’ve picked up running and I’ve lost a bit of weight – I’m sure some iota of my confidence draws from that. But I think it’s primarily from three things I’ve done recently:
- Making out with (/fingering) that cute Asian girl at Pride;
- Getting a random kiss from my friend’s friend; and
- Knowing that showering a girl with (genuine) attention and interest plays out in my favour.
I’ve also gotten far better at banter and being the life of the party – straying far enough from my introverted side to be comfortable in the spotlight, but retreating back into being a quiet introvert at the end of the night. Despite what people say.
I’m not afraid to make the move. I’m not afraid to get physical. I’m not afraid of rejection. I’ve had a taste and I want more.
This past weekend I made a move on a bi girl that my friend had brought to the party. Twas going so well ’til I fucked myself over by drinking too much.
Either way, I’ve grown a lot. I wouldn’t have dared even touch her a few months ago. My right hand would’ve been nestled into my pocket and my left would’ve deliberately occupied itself with a beer.
I want to say I’m ready for the next step. But that might involve finding the right person. I refuse to settle for anything less than someone who is driven, curious, cultured, well-mannered, has a good sense of humour, and dresses well.
Is that too much to ask?
I have a few prospects in mind, not to mention that every night out on Church Street potentially creates another story, strings attached or otherwise.
I just gotta watch my alcohol intake.
For real tho.
When I fall for someone, it’s usually too late. It takes me months to develop feelings for someone. I need to know them, their story, their passions, their individuality.
A friend suggested perhaps I’m demi-sexual. I was taken aback at first but when she paired it with me going on and on about “emotional beauty”, it didn’t seem as far-fetched.
The problem is, I hesitate when people advance on me before I have any inclination towards them. If anything, I neutralize it and make it as platonic as white bread. And by the time I fall for them, it’s too late and they’ve moved on to someone else.
Perhaps the solution here is to voice this about me. Let them know to… well, not give up on me. The one thing I did learn and appreciate about J is, despite being an often-times awful communicator, she brought up the fact that she needs/likes when people ask her questions that help her elaborate, as she confessed she was bad at that. Not that most people don’t like this, but it certainly helped when she highlighted that about herself, and that she was aware of this about herself.
I guess voicing your flaws is a fairly vulnerable thing. But whether it’s an indication of trust or self-confidence, people like when you do it.
Whelp. I’d better let it be known that I take a while to develop feelings.
It’s no surprise that the Gaysians I get along best with are “white washed”. They have solid knowledge of pop culture and I can throw in quick jokes making reference to whatever’s going on and they’ll catch them.
What did surprise me was when I opened up to them about my long-held preference for white girls, they shared the same memories. One went so far as to say “I first rejected the (Asian) girl I’m with now because I held on tightly to the idea of only being with white girls”. They’ve been together for years and they seem very happy.
It surprised me because I thought, given that most of my friends are white and the planners are almost all white (and the fact tat my sense of humour and taste in everything is white washed), it makes so much sense that I’d be into white chicks.
When talking it out with them, they told me it was because of media – all these tumblr posts, and the scraps of queer plotlines we get thrown (RARE AND DISMAL growing up pre-2011) would always feature white women. Too many minority identity markers and you’d lose the audience (or so thought network executives). So queer women, regardless of ethnicity, would gravitate towards this and idealize a white partner.
So the last two Asian girls that I caught ~dA fEeLiNgZ~ for caught me by surprise. The first one was a complete 180 (although in hindsight and analysis, her conscious, thought-out flirting made it make sense), but the second one that followed made sense*.
*Long story short/ quick update: Caught feelings, we talked it out, we’re just friends, I learned more about her, and it helped to rationalize my feelings away. It’s better this way and I’m glad she brought it up. My only regret (if any) about the situation is I wish I’d asked her out and got rejected at face value – at least I can say that I tried, hah. But regardless, it’s better this way. No harm, no foul. Moving on.
I guess the only difference and the lesson learned from this is that I’m more open to dating people now. Being friends with the Gaysians, I can talk about things white people wouldn’t catch on to – e.g. things having to do with childhood, certain Asian foods, traditions, etc. Of course, on the flip side, there are certain cultural values that Asians hang on to that I have rejected, which I can “bond” with white people over. On the other hand, the bonding is mostly passive and complete obliviousness on their side and conscious rejection on mine.
TL;DR: APPARENTLY I’M OPEN TO DATING ASIANS NOW?
On our way to badminton tonight, an ominous, horror-movie-set fog had settled. My brother was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We seldom had quality one-on-one time and it was a great excuse to talk. So talk we did.
We talked about his girl problems. My girl problems. My bout with anxiety. Him smoking and trying to quit. Mom. Dad.
He brought up the question of when I wanted to come out to Dad. I consider myself pretty good at reading people… but my dad is a brick wall. He’s absolutely impossible to read. I knew at his very core, he’d love me no matter what… but his reaction to me being gay was unfathomable to me. My brother asked me again when I wanted to come out to him. I said I wasn’t sure, but it wasn’t anything urgent – not until I got me a gf anyway and was dying to show her off to my family. No rush, I said, it’s just something on my to-do list.
I was deeply irritated that my brother chose the rural route in the midst of this fog – our vision went no further than three metres and roads were icy. His rationale for not taking the highway made absolutely no sense and I won’t even bother repeating it. I forced him to pause conversation until we made it out of the fog.
Then we continued talking.
As we were pulling into our driveway from badminton, he asked again “so when do you plan on telling Dad?”. He usually never hangs on to something like this; something must’ve been bugging him.
I reiterated my answer earlier that evening (with patience of course), about how I wasn’t sure how he’d take it but he seemed okay with being on Church Street the few times I took him.
I did a double-take.
It’s been busy since my last update – two months (!!!) ago. A lot has unfolded and I’m not quite sure where to begin. But let’s give it a shot.
Lesbians play games too.
In news-that-is-only-shocking-because-I-set-myself-up-for-it, I realized I’d fallen for an Asian girl. If I break it down, it’s because she is dangerously flirtatious and rather manipulative. She’s part of the gaysian crew and it took a friend of mine revealing to me she had fallen for her as well (before I did) and gotten stood up by her, did I realize that the little things she was doing to me, she’d been doing to others. Interestingly, I’d met this friend over a year ago, at a highschool friend’s barbecue in San Francisco. I knew she was queer but being closeted, I distanced myself from her as best I could because I was afraid of being too closely aligned with queerness. Only after a year, or this past week, did we suddenly have a good talk – it seemed to come out of nowhere – and she revealed to me that she had had complicated feelings with our (lesbian) highschool friend, who led her on and played mind games. She was hesitant to tell me as she thought given our history, I was close with this friend and, like many in their friend group, I viewed her as a likeable, perfect socialite. By keeping her feelings to herself (and probably being invalidated when opening up to their mutual friends), she fell deeper and deeper into thinking this was “her fault” and “just in her head”. I guess that’s what happens when nobody believes you.
But I knew better than that. I’d seen our friend’s God complex and watched it grow through highschool. As F and I pulled our walls down brick by brick, she felt elated in learning this wasn’t just in her head. She’d been pessimistic about love for a long time, she told me, and this was giving her much needed hope. She proceeded to tell me about her experience with my then-crush, and with each sentence, my own outlook on love began to plummet. Everything she was revealing was all-too-familiar.
“brb. My mom’s visiting” – a half-lie that gave me time to process it all. I took this time to rant to C.
But I did eventually come clean to her about my own feelings for this girl. It gave me some twisted sense of relief every time she expressed anger when I told her things that the girl had done, which, I was beginning to realize, were emotionally manipulative. Her anger trickled into my own.
It wasn’t until this that I realized she knew so much about me, but I knew so little about her. Again, like Buckley’s, I had to swallow it to feel better about reality. It took a few days of distancing myself, but I am, for the most part, over her. I don’t want to sever my friendship with her, but I will need to exercise viewing everything she does as platonic, no matter how flirtatious.
The lesson? Don’t keep things in your head. Whether it’s game-changing information or a new perspective or validation, it’s something you cannot possibly get by yourself.
Mine’s a gay story – get used to recurring characters.
Remember that time I drunkenly chased down a girl for her number? Well, I saw her again at C’s Halloween party – my friend who’d been there with me that first night, E, invited her and her girlfriend. Later that night when we went to a gay bar, it seemed like all the queer characters (well, except the one that really started it all) from my summer were under one roof: Maryia – the emotionally unavailable blonde (who I don’t think I wrote about), C’s gaysian crew, E, and the tall blonde. All under one gay bar roof.
Then, as if by gay law, when so many gay mutuals from all areas of life congregate, gay drama unfolded. Here’s a copy and paste from an fb messenger recap:
So I met the girl that [the tall blonde] is now seeing. She’s super chill and we all get along- I don’t know if she knows how I met [tb] though. So at one point at Cream, I’m grabbing a drink and [tb] comes over by herself to get a water. We end up chatting and she ends up telling me that she’s finding it hard to connect with her gf. I tell her to talk it out with her. So she tries and while we’re all dancing, she looks kinda upset but her gf doesn’t really seem to care… Then [tb] disappears…
I ask her gf and she says she lost her phone… But they’re still dancing and not helping her (???) so I try to find her and I call her phone to see where it is, and I end up outside… And she picks up…
Turns out she was about to leave the bar but she comes back and she looks fucking miserable. She didn’t get a straight answer from her gf and she’s debating if this relationship is even worth it. She asks me why I’m going after her when I can see she’s unhappy but her gf isn’t. Well, it’s cuz she has a shitty gf… but I can’t tell her that.
Then she tells me we should go back to my place. And I say no that’s a bad idea. Then her gf and [E] come out and she’s just being a totally shitty gf, so oblivious to how [tb] is… Even [E] asks if she’s okay. Then her gf fucking leaves to go home with [E] (they’re sharing an airbnb) and just tells [tb] to text her when she’s home. Wtf. So I grabbed my jacket and took her to McDs to let her talk it out and give her my take on everything and rant too.
It was just such a weird fucking night. I was planning on being in bed by midnight… Then all this happens
She ended up breaking up with her girlfriend and rumours began to spread, sides were taken by the Twitter gays – primarily, her ex-gf’s side. I went for brunch with her this past Thursday and after a bit of hesitation, I invited her to the queer potluck I was hosting. The reasoning behind this is I’ve learned queer people need queer friends; there are holes that simply cannot be filled by straight folks. It wasn’t in me to walk away (as with that night at Cream) when I knew someone was in need, and this need was evident when we talked over brunch.
She got along well with the gaysians, but I’m not sure if how much of a recurring character she will be from hereon.
Breakups within a friend group.
Meanwhile, I’ve started hanging out with a friend who’d been “exiled” from the planners – him and a friend of mine had broken up and with almost everyone was on the girl’s side, he’d essentially been cut off. It wasn’t until recently that I made a deliberate effort to hang out with him – He revealed to me that he had endured depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies. It broke my heart to learn he was alone in all this, and it angered me to know my friends could go to bed having let this happen.
This whole bullshit with “taking sides” after a breakup is so ridiculous. It was also Her reason for not dating anybody in the gaysian group – anticipating a bad breakup and inevitable exile. This was a pathetic reason in my view to not pursue someone. If you find someone you love, nothing as petty as “friends taking sides” should stop you from being with them – were they even good friends to begin with if they’d take sides? Be an adult, get over your feelings.
I have a hard time saying the last part as it seems starved of empathy. I’ve never been in that position, but I can see how it can be absolutely devastating post-breakup. I just feel one person’s dilemma shouldn’t have such a disruptive ripple effect on those around them. Perhaps this view that I hold is indicative of other things about me – but they won’t be explored today.
She disappeared with another girl whom she had been seeing for 30 mins. Although She told me she’d called it off, I could only worry about the other girl. I went up to her privately shortly after and said “I’m only going to ask you one thing: Are you giving her the closure she needs?”. She replied yes, and I didn’t press further. That’s all I needed to hear. This had become less about her and more about the other girl – whom I’d come to learn was emotionally sensitive.
Oh and also a friend of mine tore every ligament in her foot last night at my potluck when she was on the rooftop and as tears streamed down her cheeks and her girlfriend panicked, I had to put on a brave face, console the both of them, and act as if it wasn’t the worst sprain I had ever seen in my entire life. Then I had to go back into the potluck I was hosting and pretend everything was fine when all I wanted to do was go home.
Except I couldn’t because I was already home, and I had 20 people to look after.
I haven’t even mentioned the networking, conferences, and interviewing I’ve been doing while all of this is happening.
Plus the parking tickets dataset I’ve been working on for the past couple of months.
I’m so emotionally drained.
I’ve noticed I’ve developed two habits when I get drunk:
- I go on and on about emotional beauty, and it being “my type”.
- I rant about not fitting into a subcategory of lesbian.
One time after Crews, I’d ranted the second point to a friend of mine who had been with her girlfriend for four years. I elaborated on wanting to find a label so that I could understand where my partner’s role would “fit” in my life better. She stopped me immediately.
“Don’t think about that, man, that’s ridiculous. That really fucked with my head when I was with this girl before – we were sorta together but because she felt I wasn’t “butch enough” for her and it didn’t “balance out” the relationship, she ended up cutting it off with me. So don’t even think it, that’s dumb“.
I want to be successful, more than anything in the world. I want it so badly, it’s rooted at the very core of my being.
My goal in life is not to be “a successful lesbian“, but “a successful person who happens to be a lesbian“. The difference is not so subtle, but only after bringing to light. I’ve mentioned before that I refuse to be defined by my sexuality. Take Suze Orman for example – she doesn’t make her sexuality a big deal. She doesn’t need to. Her primary identity is a financial guru.
Success is subjective. I don’t even know if I can define it for myself. Very loosely, it’s loving and being good at things that I do.
I’m the type of person who gets quiet and gets sorely disappointed at herself when she messes up – this is so evident when I play sports: when I miss a shot, make a bad pass, miss a catch – my eyebrows furrow and I shake my head in disgust. Sometimes I’ll yell. I like being good at things and hold myself to ridiculously high standards.
Something that’s been bothering me is my lesbian identity – or the ambiguity of mine. I’ve ranted about this before, but I’ve a new issue that adds to it. It bugs me now more than before because I’ve recently asked other queer women what I’d be typecasted as (e.g. as butch, as femme, as a sporty gay, as a bookworm library lesbian) as I’ve struggled with coming up with one myself. The best any of them have come up with is “lite femme, lite hipster”, which is barely better than “well you don’t have to define yourself with just one label”.
It’s even more unsettling this time around because I feel anxious not knowing where my partner would fit amongst this mess (me). How I should act, my role in the relationship, her role in the relationship, expectations… I can’t even define myself – how would they know where they could fit?
Yup, my lesbian identity crisis is resurfacing because I need to know how I’ll “fit” with my partner. For example, if I were a clean-cut butch lesbian, I would feel more confident in taking on a more traditionally masculine role in the relationship. If I were more femme, I’d feel less pressure to be the decision-maker, the protector, the-…
As I’m typing this out, I’m hearing how ridiculous and outdated these expectations are.
It’d be so much easier if there was a how-to book on same-sex relationships.
But then again, set roles in any relationships are dumb.
So herein lies my dilemma – some days I’m a sporty gay, butch AF, loudly dropping weights at the gym. Other days (heck, other minutes) I’m a femme gay trying to match accessories with my dress.
How can I expect anybody to keep up, when I can barely keep up with myself?
Because the thought of being in a relationship has been knocking on my door, the pressure to figure out my identity has resurfaced. “Do I make the first move?” “Am I the one who will do the pursuing?”
In addition to all the above, in the process of “doing me”, I’ve been skeptical of whether I’ll have time or the emotional availability for someone else in my life. I’m extremely busy and constantly on the go – I keep myself this way. To be successful.
Am I willing to compromise my success for the sake of finding someone? Do these two things have to be mutually exclusive?
Success. Identity. Expectations.
I’m posting at 2am again – two days after I’m supposed to be updating this blog, too. No breakthroughs are being made, just mountainous balls of stress. I’ll put this on hold.